Is eloping selfish? A while back we talked about the Misconceptions of Elopements. Something we didn’t touch on is ‘The Selfish Argument,’ because we thought it deserved its own post. We often see on photography groups and wedding pages where family members and friends are upset that their loved ones decided to elope instead of having a standard wedding.

Hypothetically…

Aunt Karen is pissed you decided to go the non-traditional route and do things your own way. Of course it wasn’t your intention to sting her feelings, you just want to do your own thing and elope for various reasons.

She says you’re selfish.

How could you not want your family there when you say your vows?

How could you not want your loved ones be present on the most important day of your life?

The Selfish Reality

Unfortunately, not everyone has a loving family they can spend their wedding day with. Even if they did, shouldn’t Aunt Karen just be happy for the couple if eloping is what they truly wanted? You can absolutely choose to have a select group of friends & family when you elope, just not your entire tribe. Some couples chose to be completely alone and it’s needed to be known that it’s okay.

Consider the Following:

What if we turned the table around and said that doing ‘the traditional thing’ is actually the more selfish thing to do? Or the fact that Aunt Karen is actually incredibly selfish for saying this in the first place?

The majority of weddings an average person has attended in their lives have most likely been at some sort of venue. Hiking & adventure elopements are something couples have been doing for years, but is still not mainstream and obviously not the more popular option when it comes down to a wedding celebration.

The old ways are not always the best ways

Let’s discuss what goes into traditional wedding celebrations. As a guest, you’re excited for the happy couple! If you’re asked to be a member of the bridal party, you don’t want to disappoint them, so you accept the role. But what does it require to attend a large wedding, or more extensively, take an active part in one?

Time

Every couple is different, but most traditionally you have an engagement party to attend. Then there’s the bridal shower and, of course, the wedding itself. If you are honored with being in the bridal party it also means attending bachelor/bachelorette parties, and possibly other random days where you help out the bride with picking the gown, or fittings for your dress/suit.

Money

The wedding business is a $72 billion industry. That would leave Jeff Bezos broke in just two years, and that doesn’t factor in what guests spend. It costs money to attend parties, fittings, and the ceremony–especially if it’s not close to home. Flights, hotels, rental cars, child care if the little ones aren’t coming – it adds up. Are you taking time off of work to be there for your friends on their special day? That’s lost income.

Oh, and don’t forget about the gift – a toaster from Williams-Sonoma isn’t cheap.

All things considered…

Isn’t it sort of selfish to expect hundreds of people from all over the place to spend time and money, sitting in an uncomfortable suit on a hard pew, sweating in the middle of July because the couple just had to have a summer wedding?

If you are gifted as the best man or maid of honor, a huge responsibility is presented. Not only do your bridal party members have to spend hundreds on their own attire, there will be more money spent on the several parties being thrown in your honor.

Isn’t it sort of selfish to put pressure on friends to carry out a range of tasks? Sure it’s flattering to be asked to be a best man or a maid of honor, but you’re presenting those people with a huge responsibility. It’s a job. Planning parties, coordinating events, spending time and money to make it all happen.

Pressure

What about speeches? Sure, some people may love the idea of being in the spotlight at a wedding to say a few nice words. I think it’s safe to say the majority do not. Being the best man or maid of honor may mean you are obligated to do something you are extremely uncomfortable with.

I’ve been to many weddings where I overheard the best man or maid of honor feeling anxious before the whole day even started. That person carried that feeling throughout the entire day. Could making your best bud feel possibly anxious and downright scared to speak to your crowd during the reception be considered selfish?

Trust the Experts

Sure, some people love the idea of being in the spotlight at a wedding to say a few nice words, but look at the statistics as presented by Jerry Seinfeld:

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

You could potentially be asking your closest friend to do something that they would literally rather die than do. Not everyone is a public speaker.

The Selfish Truth

The fact is: Traditional weddings can be a huge burden on others.

Of course your friends and family want you to be happy and celebrate with you. But at what literal cost are you putting your guests?

We would never call you a selfish person for having a more traditional wedding if that’s what you really wanted for yourself. Some groups of friends look forward to that for decades. They’re more than happy to take part, and that’s amazing! But it’s not for everyone.

Haters Gonna Gate

Anyone saying elopements are selfish most likely doesn’t understand them. It couldn’t be further from the truth. A traditional wedding day, although most likely wonderful, can also be incredibly stressful and expensive, not just for you but for your guests. In comparison, elopements are intimate celebrations of love between two people who aren’t asking for anything at all.

The Best of Both Worlds

Another option to consider: If you are set on eloping but feel sort of bad not including your whole family, why not have your elopement and then a party later on to include them? It’s your wedding afterall, you can literally do whatever you want!

Final, selfish thoughts:

If your loved ones truly care, they should be happy for you no matter what way you decide to get married. If they have a serious problem with it, that’s what’s selfish. Your friends and family should never expect you to compromise what you want for your wedding day. By choosing to elope, you are not asking for anything other than support in your decision.

And maybe a Williams-Sonoma toaster.

Tell Aunt Karen that you love her but she needs to get over herself.

Need help planning your own elopement?