NO. That’s the straight-forward answer. But feel free to read on…

In a previous post, we explored various misconceptions about elopements. However, one topic that warrants its own discussion is “The Selfish Argument.” It’s not uncommon to encounter family members and friends who feel upset when a couple decides to elope rather than have a traditional wedding. This reaction often stems from a belief that eloping is a selfish choice. In this post, we’ll dive into this argument, examining whether choosing to elope is truly inconsiderate, and explore the reasons behind these sentiments.

Hypothetically…

Aunt Karen is pissed you decided to go the non-traditional route and do things your own way. Of course it wasn’t your intention to sting her feelings, you just want to do your own thing and elope for various reasons.

She says you’re selfish.

How could you not want your family there when you say your vows?

How could you not want your loved ones be present on the most important day of your life?

The Selfish Reality

Unfortunately, not everyone has a close-knit or supportive family to celebrate their wedding day with. Even for those who do, shouldn’t Aunt Karen and others be happy for the couple if eloping is their preferred choice? Couples have the option to invite a select group of friends and family when they elope, rather than a large gathering. Some couples choose to elope alone, and it’s important to acknowledge that this is perfectly okay. The decision to elope reflects the couple’s desire for a meaningful and personal celebration, and their choice should be respected.

Consider the Following

What if we flipped the script and argued that sticking to traditional wedding norms is the real act of selfishness? Or that Aunt Karen’s reaction could be seen as selfish for not respecting the couple’s choice? Many people’s experience with weddings is confined to traditional venues, but hiking and adventure elopements, while still not mainstream, have been a cherished option for couples seeking something unique. The emphasis should be on celebrating the couple’s personal preferences and desires, rather than adhering to conventional expectations.

The old ways are not always the best ways

Let’s take a closer look at what goes into traditional wedding celebrations. As a guest, you’re thrilled for the happy couple, and if you’re invited to be part of the bridal party, you want to support them wholeheartedly. However, what does it actually involve to attend a large wedding or, more so, to play an active role in one? From the planning and preparation to the financial and time commitments, traditional weddings can demand a lot from both the couple and their guests. Understanding these aspects might help illuminate why some couples opt for more personalized and less conventional celebrations.

Time

Let’s take a closer look at what goes into traditional wedding celebrations. Typically, attending a traditional wedding involves multiple time commitments. First, there’s the engagement party, followed by the bridal shower, and of course, the wedding itself. If you’re part of the bridal party, the time investment increases with bachelor/bachelorette parties and possibly other events, such as helping the bride with gown selection or attending fittings for your own attire. These events require a considerable amount of time and effort, highlighting why some couples choose a more streamlined and personalized approach to their celebration.

Money

The wedding industry is a staggering $70.5 billion business reported in 2022. This immense figure highlights the substantial costs associated with traditional weddings, not just for the couple but for their guests as well. Attending multiple pre-wedding events—like parties and fittings—can be expensive, especially if they require travel. Flights, hotels, rental cars, and child care for those bringing little ones all contribute to the overall expense. Additionally, if you need to take time off work to be present, that’s also lost income. The financial implications of participating in a traditional wedding can add up quickly, making it a significant consideration for everyone involved.

Oh, and don’t forget about the gift – a toaster from Williams-Sonoma isn’t cheap.

All things considered…

Isn’t it a bit selfish to expect hundreds of people to spend significant time and money, perhaps enduring uncomfortable attire and inconvenient conditions, simply because the couple wants a traditional wedding? Consider the demands placed on the bridal party, especially those honored as the best man or maid of honor. These individuals not only have to invest in their own attire but also face additional expenses for multiple pre-wedding events. Expecting friends to take on extensive responsibilities—such as planning parties, coordinating events, and managing their own costs—can place a considerable burden on them. While being chosen for these roles is flattering, it also comes with significant obligations and pressures, turning what should be a joyful occasion into a complex job.

Pressure & Anxieties

What about the pressure of delivering a speech? While some people relish the chance to speak in the spotlight and share heartfelt words, it’s safe to say that many do not. Being chosen as the best man or maid of honor often comes with the obligation to give a speech, which can be a source of significant anxiety for those who are uncomfortable with public speaking.

I’ve witnessed many best men and maids of honor feeling stressed and nervous even before the wedding day begins, carrying that anxiety throughout the entire event. Is it fair to place this kind of pressure on someone, making them anxious or even scared to speak at your reception? It’s worth considering whether this expectation might be viewed as selfish, given the emotional toll it can take on those chosen to play a key role in your celebration. Sure, some people love the idea of being in the spotlight at a wedding to say a few nice words, but look at the statistics as presented by Jerry Seinfeld:

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

You could potentially be asking your closest friend to do something that they would literally rather die than do. Not everyone is a public speaker!

The Selfish Truth

The fact is: Traditional weddings can be a huge burden on others.

The reality is that traditional weddings can place a significant burden on others. While friends and family undoubtedly want you to be happy and celebrate with you, it’s important to consider the literal cost to your guests. We wouldn’t label you as selfish for choosing a traditional wedding if that’s truly what you desire. Many people eagerly anticipate such celebrations and are thrilled to participate, which is wonderful. However, it’s crucial to recognize that traditional weddings are not the right fit for everyone. Understanding this helps to appreciate why some couples might opt for a different, more personal approach to their celebration.

Haters Gonna Hate

Anyone who claims that elopements are selfish likely doesn’t fully understand them. In reality, elopements are far from being self-centered. While traditional weddings can be beautiful, they often come with a high level of stress and expense for both the couple and their guests. Elopements, on the other hand, are intimate celebrations focused solely on the love between two people, without placing any financial or emotional burden on others. By choosing to elope, couples create a meaningful experience that prioritizes their own happiness without demanding anything from those around them.

The Best of Both Worlds

Here’s another option to consider: If you’re committed to eloping but feel conflicted about not including your whole family, why not have your elopement and then host a celebration later on to include them? It’s your wedding, after all, and you have the freedom to design your day however you like! This approach allows you to enjoy the intimate, personal experience of eloping while still celebrating with your loved ones at a later date, blending the best of both worlds! I recently learned a great term from a couple I worked with in 2024. They chose to have a nature elopement and are planning a “Happily Ever After Party” afterward to celebrate with their loved ones. How sweet is that!

Final, selfish thoughts:

If your loved ones truly care about you, they should support your decision, regardless of how you choose to get married. If they have serious objections, that may be the real issue of selfishness. Your friends and family should never expect you to compromise on what you want for your wedding day. By choosing to elope, you’re simply seeking support for your decision, not asking for anything more.

But maybe you will accept that Williams-Sonoma toaster.

Tell Aunt Karen that you love her but she needs to get over herself.

Need help planning your own elopement?